All the white spaces in between. That’s what bright sunlight reflecting off of the sea is like, blinding and painful, yet at the same time beautiful. You don’t want to look, because it can hurt, but at the same time it’s irresistible. You are drawn into its wonder and its beauty, that place of absolute peace that’s found in the gentle near-stillness. A calm day, with softly-rolling waves, the visible heartbeat of the earth.
But it can turn, become turbulent. Raw fury lashing out, fighting against the invisible restraints that hold it bound, caught in the cycle and order of things, wishing to be set free. You remain mesmerised, trying to ride along with it, hoping that it doesn’t break you. The thrill of the ride somehow outweighing any fear. Yet the fear is still there and part of you wants to run away from it, but you can’t. Once you step on board, there is no escape.
Then it is calm once more, the wonder and joy is returned to your face. Somehow the peaceful calm and stillness is even more beautiful for having survived the turbulence. You want to stay there, basking in its glory forever. Let each wave wash over you, each ray from the sun, fulfilling you, making you whole again.
All of that, that is what love is. It can be raw, hungry, turbulent. It can be calm, gentle, peaceful. It can be blinding, it can sting, it can hurt. But, above all, it is beautiful. It is wonderful and fulfilling if you can learn to ride with it. All the fun, thrills, excitement, but with those moments of absolute terror as it drags you from one rock to another. Yet that feeling of completeness, that white space in between, that overrides it all. That experience in the shared moments, the connection, the inner peace, that is what makes it all worthwhile.
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Sunday, 19 April 2015
Friday, 17 April 2015
The Darkness Within
I live with a darkness inside of me. I think most of us do, actually. But mine is quite alive. Sometimes it seeps out, fed by the brokenness, gobbling up every jagged morsel with an unquenchable hunger. Sometimes it just sits there, acknowledging me with a silent glare, reflecting my inner turmoil and pain back at me. Today has been a day when it has tried to do both.
I run on waves of energy bursts in order to get things done. I can intensely focus for short spurts, during which I am able to achieve much. But as soon as that light, that energy dies, it leaves me feeling empty once more. The emptiness is revealing, showing me all the things I’m missing, feeding into that ever-hungry darkness, eating me alive. I try to scream at the darkness, but it is unyielding. I try to reason with it, but it is unlistening and refuses to leave me alone. Eventually it wins the round and leaves me crying, shaking once more, open and bare, my pain again revealed.
There have been too many losses, too many changes again of late. I’ve tried desperately hard to hold onto beautiful things that have come my way. Yet they always slip through my grasp, as I always manage to chase them away with my greedy need. One thing that my life has taught me is that I can’t have good things. Good things are for good, straightforward, normal people, not for broken people like me. And as much as I am aware that there is not really such a thing as a “norm”, it often feels to me that I am so far away from the hypothetical “norm” line that I will always be driven into being an outsider everywhere.
So, here I am again, alone, no hope of being saved, no hope of being loved. The darkness is winning the fight again. I know that it is still up to me as to whether I let it win the war or not, but each individual battle takes its toll and there will come a day when I am so exhausted that I won’t want to fight anymore. Let’s just hope that it’s for the right reasons and not because the darkness takes me forever.
I run on waves of energy bursts in order to get things done. I can intensely focus for short spurts, during which I am able to achieve much. But as soon as that light, that energy dies, it leaves me feeling empty once more. The emptiness is revealing, showing me all the things I’m missing, feeding into that ever-hungry darkness, eating me alive. I try to scream at the darkness, but it is unyielding. I try to reason with it, but it is unlistening and refuses to leave me alone. Eventually it wins the round and leaves me crying, shaking once more, open and bare, my pain again revealed.
There have been too many losses, too many changes again of late. I’ve tried desperately hard to hold onto beautiful things that have come my way. Yet they always slip through my grasp, as I always manage to chase them away with my greedy need. One thing that my life has taught me is that I can’t have good things. Good things are for good, straightforward, normal people, not for broken people like me. And as much as I am aware that there is not really such a thing as a “norm”, it often feels to me that I am so far away from the hypothetical “norm” line that I will always be driven into being an outsider everywhere.
So, here I am again, alone, no hope of being saved, no hope of being loved. The darkness is winning the fight again. I know that it is still up to me as to whether I let it win the war or not, but each individual battle takes its toll and there will come a day when I am so exhausted that I won’t want to fight anymore. Let’s just hope that it’s for the right reasons and not because the darkness takes me forever.
Friday, 30 May 2014
Self-Image
I don’t believe I’ve ever had a very good self-image, whether it be down to how I look, or how I perceive myself otherwise as a person. There have been many people in my life who haven’t helped that and have, indeed, exacerbated the situation.
It all started when I was quite young. As a child, along with my fellow siblings, I was always put down by my elders, told constantly how I wasn’t good enough at something. Each of us as fellow siblings were encouraged to further the damage with nasty words to the others. So, even if I knew otherwise, the belief that I was “stupid”, “worthless” or crap at a particular subject was ingrained into me. My low self-confidence as a result of this had a knock on effect on how people perceived me at school. It meant that I was bullied and my physical image was attacked, too. I was now not only “stupid”, “worthless”, “crap at everything”, I was also “ugly”, the person no one wanted to be friends with in case they caught something.
As a result of all of this, I have never been content with my self-image, whether it be how I interact with people or how I look. I’ve spent years being uncomfortable if people tell me I’m attractive or good at something. Even the smallest compliment will have me fidgeting and trying to find a way to negate or explain why it may seem I’m that way. All those positives turned into negatives, because for so many years I was always told otherwise.
So, what can I do to change this? Should I change this? Shouldn’t it be right that I believe that I’m worth something?
I’ll start with body-image. As a woman it can be hard to fit into society if you’re not perceived as being magazine-beautiful, or as trying to achieve that absolute perfection. The media tell us that the only way we can ever be acceptable to others is to be this clone image of whatever their latest trend is. Well, this is something that I haven’t fit into for years. Yet still, somehow, on a subconscious level, I’d make those little efforts, a little bit of make-up here and there, body-hair maintenance, etc. Even when wearing the drabbest clothing, I’d still be making over-the-top efforts to look a little bit more acceptable. It didn’t make me feel any better at all and certainly didn’t help me fit in any better.
So, I’ve stopped. I no longer bother with shaving, as I find it a ridiculous waste of time trying to achieve a fake image of so-called perfection that I’ll never reach anyway. I no longer wear make-up, even when the odd spot decides to surface and mar my otherwise less-than-media-perfect features. I don’t colour my hair, as I know that disguising the greys isn’t going to make them any less real. I am becoming a natural being, a woman in the form she is meant to be in. Yet am I happy?
I must admit, I am still uncomfortable with going out in skirts and dresses, trying to wear something nice and comfortable whilst not having made any of the “required” beauty efforts. I have done this in the past and not received any negative comments, yet I know that people still look. But, at the same time, I feel more comfortable with myself and less stressed for not having to go that extra mile, when I know, on the whole, it won’t change my own perceived self-image much, anyway.
So, what is needed to be comfortable with my own self-image? Well, one thing I do know is that it has nothing to do with the physical side of things.
Let’s go back to the bullying for a second. Even when I was trying to make an effort, trying to make myself prettier through using various lotions, potions, powders and clothing, I was still called names, made fun at. I thought I was trying to fit in, but all I was doing was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Even then, it took me far too long to realise that, what I really needed to do, was to just be myself. Now that wasn’t that easy to do when I was always trying to hang with the wrong crowds, if I ever did to socialise after having become a recluse for the most part. Yet, as soon as I had the right people around me, suddenly it didn’t matter how I looked, just who I was. I started to relax and my true colours started to show.
So, now onto self-esteem, the other side of self-image. One thing I have learnt is that it takes confidence to be the person you are rather than the person you think you should be. When you’ve spent any portion of your life being put down, trying to pretend that you’re someone else isn’t going to make people who have made a victim of you like you any more. If anything, it just gives them another excuse to laugh at you. What’s needed is to build upon your own self-worth and realise for yourself that you’re not the person all those nasty people have said you are, that you are capable of more than they say. Of course, it does help when you have good people around you who will encourage you and help you understand your true potential.
I’ve been lucky in that, nowadays, there’s mostly positive people in my life. It means that I’m gaining more and more confidence in being the person I really am rather than hiding various aspects because of what people may think. Because of this, it means I gain more respect and encouragement and means that I can also give some of that positivity back. It also means, when faced with negativity, I’m able to shrug it off a lot easier. This isn't to say that it's wrong to wear or do something that will make us feel better. Not at all. Yet, through that, we should still remember that self-image is all about how we perceive ourselves, inside and out, and we shouldn’t ever be afraid to show and be who we truly are.
It all started when I was quite young. As a child, along with my fellow siblings, I was always put down by my elders, told constantly how I wasn’t good enough at something. Each of us as fellow siblings were encouraged to further the damage with nasty words to the others. So, even if I knew otherwise, the belief that I was “stupid”, “worthless” or crap at a particular subject was ingrained into me. My low self-confidence as a result of this had a knock on effect on how people perceived me at school. It meant that I was bullied and my physical image was attacked, too. I was now not only “stupid”, “worthless”, “crap at everything”, I was also “ugly”, the person no one wanted to be friends with in case they caught something.
As a result of all of this, I have never been content with my self-image, whether it be how I interact with people or how I look. I’ve spent years being uncomfortable if people tell me I’m attractive or good at something. Even the smallest compliment will have me fidgeting and trying to find a way to negate or explain why it may seem I’m that way. All those positives turned into negatives, because for so many years I was always told otherwise.
So, what can I do to change this? Should I change this? Shouldn’t it be right that I believe that I’m worth something?
I’ll start with body-image. As a woman it can be hard to fit into society if you’re not perceived as being magazine-beautiful, or as trying to achieve that absolute perfection. The media tell us that the only way we can ever be acceptable to others is to be this clone image of whatever their latest trend is. Well, this is something that I haven’t fit into for years. Yet still, somehow, on a subconscious level, I’d make those little efforts, a little bit of make-up here and there, body-hair maintenance, etc. Even when wearing the drabbest clothing, I’d still be making over-the-top efforts to look a little bit more acceptable. It didn’t make me feel any better at all and certainly didn’t help me fit in any better.
So, I’ve stopped. I no longer bother with shaving, as I find it a ridiculous waste of time trying to achieve a fake image of so-called perfection that I’ll never reach anyway. I no longer wear make-up, even when the odd spot decides to surface and mar my otherwise less-than-media-perfect features. I don’t colour my hair, as I know that disguising the greys isn’t going to make them any less real. I am becoming a natural being, a woman in the form she is meant to be in. Yet am I happy?
I must admit, I am still uncomfortable with going out in skirts and dresses, trying to wear something nice and comfortable whilst not having made any of the “required” beauty efforts. I have done this in the past and not received any negative comments, yet I know that people still look. But, at the same time, I feel more comfortable with myself and less stressed for not having to go that extra mile, when I know, on the whole, it won’t change my own perceived self-image much, anyway.
So, what is needed to be comfortable with my own self-image? Well, one thing I do know is that it has nothing to do with the physical side of things.
Let’s go back to the bullying for a second. Even when I was trying to make an effort, trying to make myself prettier through using various lotions, potions, powders and clothing, I was still called names, made fun at. I thought I was trying to fit in, but all I was doing was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Even then, it took me far too long to realise that, what I really needed to do, was to just be myself. Now that wasn’t that easy to do when I was always trying to hang with the wrong crowds, if I ever did to socialise after having become a recluse for the most part. Yet, as soon as I had the right people around me, suddenly it didn’t matter how I looked, just who I was. I started to relax and my true colours started to show.
So, now onto self-esteem, the other side of self-image. One thing I have learnt is that it takes confidence to be the person you are rather than the person you think you should be. When you’ve spent any portion of your life being put down, trying to pretend that you’re someone else isn’t going to make people who have made a victim of you like you any more. If anything, it just gives them another excuse to laugh at you. What’s needed is to build upon your own self-worth and realise for yourself that you’re not the person all those nasty people have said you are, that you are capable of more than they say. Of course, it does help when you have good people around you who will encourage you and help you understand your true potential.
I’ve been lucky in that, nowadays, there’s mostly positive people in my life. It means that I’m gaining more and more confidence in being the person I really am rather than hiding various aspects because of what people may think. Because of this, it means I gain more respect and encouragement and means that I can also give some of that positivity back. It also means, when faced with negativity, I’m able to shrug it off a lot easier. This isn't to say that it's wrong to wear or do something that will make us feel better. Not at all. Yet, through that, we should still remember that self-image is all about how we perceive ourselves, inside and out, and we shouldn’t ever be afraid to show and be who we truly are.
Friday, 30 August 2013
The Light Shines Through
It's hard trying to hold on to that beautiful warmth I felt whilst I was away with so many amazing and colourful people. With their help I found and saw my true self for the first time and was able to relax and feel free for the first time in a long time. But being back at home the old reminders of the dark self are there...
I've changed, I know I've changed. As the darkness tries to work its way back in, I know I feel different this time, it feels different. The darkness is trying its best to take over everything, its in my arms, my legs, my stomach, but one thing it can't do is snuff out the bright light that's in my chest, my heart.
I know its not going to be easy. I know it'll be a while yet before I am free, and even then a spark will remain in the background in the form of doubts that everyone has. But now I have the tools to gently fight it, in the form of glistening hope, beautiful words and purifying light, gifts from great people, great friends. I know with these that I can learn to love and accept myself at last.
I've changed, I know I've changed. As the darkness tries to work its way back in, I know I feel different this time, it feels different. The darkness is trying its best to take over everything, its in my arms, my legs, my stomach, but one thing it can't do is snuff out the bright light that's in my chest, my heart.
I know its not going to be easy. I know it'll be a while yet before I am free, and even then a spark will remain in the background in the form of doubts that everyone has. But now I have the tools to gently fight it, in the form of glistening hope, beautiful words and purifying light, gifts from great people, great friends. I know with these that I can learn to love and accept myself at last.
Monday, 13 February 2012
The Essence of Beauty
I keep thinking about all the things that I find beautiful in life, from pictures, to music, to words, to ideas, to memories, to people... But, what is beauty? Does it even actually exist? Or is it just something that we imagine?
Everyone has the own unique interpretation on beauty; what is pleasing to one could be absolutely abhorrent to another. It's not surprising that there is always such a debate on what type of bodies are beautiful, etc. (which I always find annoying, as I personally believe that inner beauty is far more important). I wrote not that long ago about being fickle, but the truth is the whole nature of humanity is fickle; everyone is fickle to some degree or another!
And then comes another question: is beauty actually important? Well yes, of course it is, to some degree. I have noticed how people react to certain colours, whether they make you happy, sad, angry, etc. This means that people will have a preference for certain colours within a room, so they will only paint the rooms in their house in pleasing colours, essentially mimicking their own interpretation of beauty. So, surrounding ourselves with things that we deem beautiful is one step towards our own personal happiness. This seems to work as well for musical preference, too, how that perfect song can just fill you with so much joy and how being in a room with music you dislike can make you feel incredibly miserable.
Which brings me onto my interpretation of beauty and what I find beautiful, and I would describe it as... A multitude of colours. I've mentioned this part before, but... For me, everything in life is colourful. I not only see physical colours but colours within sounds, music, words, people... People are amazingly colourful with their unique characters! So how can people possibly define a person's beauty just based on what they look like?! I look at someone and I can describe them, usually, with one to two major colours and sometimes a couple of minor ones. It can be great fun at times, to look at someone like that, as then it can enable me to write things about them, if I should wish to!
But, anyway - back to beauty itself.
It seems to me we get hounded with the media's interpretation of beauty so often we forget what we personally find beautiful. Through the clones and drones who just want to look like their peers, to all the negative comments of what you can't be according to popular thought. Of course, there will always be crossovers of ideas, no matter how unique our individual ideas are. But I, personally, am more inclined to indulge in my own personal sense of beauty and what I enjoy, ignoring popular fashions, partly because I know I cannot ever hope to achieve a sense of happiness any other way.
Everyone has the own unique interpretation on beauty; what is pleasing to one could be absolutely abhorrent to another. It's not surprising that there is always such a debate on what type of bodies are beautiful, etc. (which I always find annoying, as I personally believe that inner beauty is far more important). I wrote not that long ago about being fickle, but the truth is the whole nature of humanity is fickle; everyone is fickle to some degree or another!
And then comes another question: is beauty actually important? Well yes, of course it is, to some degree. I have noticed how people react to certain colours, whether they make you happy, sad, angry, etc. This means that people will have a preference for certain colours within a room, so they will only paint the rooms in their house in pleasing colours, essentially mimicking their own interpretation of beauty. So, surrounding ourselves with things that we deem beautiful is one step towards our own personal happiness. This seems to work as well for musical preference, too, how that perfect song can just fill you with so much joy and how being in a room with music you dislike can make you feel incredibly miserable.
Which brings me onto my interpretation of beauty and what I find beautiful, and I would describe it as... A multitude of colours. I've mentioned this part before, but... For me, everything in life is colourful. I not only see physical colours but colours within sounds, music, words, people... People are amazingly colourful with their unique characters! So how can people possibly define a person's beauty just based on what they look like?! I look at someone and I can describe them, usually, with one to two major colours and sometimes a couple of minor ones. It can be great fun at times, to look at someone like that, as then it can enable me to write things about them, if I should wish to!
But, anyway - back to beauty itself.
It seems to me we get hounded with the media's interpretation of beauty so often we forget what we personally find beautiful. Through the clones and drones who just want to look like their peers, to all the negative comments of what you can't be according to popular thought. Of course, there will always be crossovers of ideas, no matter how unique our individual ideas are. But I, personally, am more inclined to indulge in my own personal sense of beauty and what I enjoy, ignoring popular fashions, partly because I know I cannot ever hope to achieve a sense of happiness any other way.
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