I actually wrote the text below a few months ago for guest blog than unfortunately never happened. Well, instead of wasting it, I decided that it was about time I got it up on my own blog and published. Enjoy! :)
Four years ago, after two years of living in Belgium, I nearly decided to move back to the UK. I had lost yet another job, things had gone bad for me once more as I hadn’t coped with the stress at work. With thoughts of, ‘why me?!’ I decided that it must be the country, that if I went back then everything would magically turn out fine.
At some point I stopped myself and realised something: moving back would be just running away again. I had fled England, my friends, a relationship when everything went bad. I suddenly realised that running back wouldn’t work, I had nowhere to go and everyone had already moved on. The only way to move forward was to work with what I did have, finding what was achievable, rather than being angry at what I didn’t.
Luckily I found the mental-health support in Belgium that I had been lacking whilst in the UK. With this, I decided it was time to push forward to achieve things for myself for once, rather than just sitting still feeling sorry for myself all the time. I enrolled myself in for Dutch lessons, knowing that if I was to ever get anywhere then speaking the language better would be a very useful tool. I also enrolled myself in for music lessons, accordion lessons, something that I had wanted to do for years. I slowly started to grow and become more confident, becoming a better and stronger person for fighting instead of fleeing.
Now, four years on, I’ve achieved so much that I never thought possible. And this is not just musically or linguistically. Because of the music lessons, I’m now a more confident person overall, having had to perform solo at various points. Also, because of my new-found linguistic skills, I socialise with more with people, speak to people on the train or at the bus stop, things I never used to do. Even before I moved to Belgium, I used to shut myself away a lot, turn away and avoid speaking to people. It’s like another person has surfaced simply because I dared to try. I am now also looking for work once more and, through making my own enquiries and taking the steps myself, am involved in a programme that can help me find a new direction along with training and job placements so I can “try out” any job before I decide to commit to it.
That doesn’t mean to say that everything has been plain sailing. I still have had and do have dark moments from time to time. The main difference has come with how I handle them. The darkness can be painful and enveloping when it returns, making me think that everyone hates me, that I’m just as useless at everything as I’ve always been. ‘Why do you even bother?’ that little voice says to me. At those times, one step at a time, I have to remind myself that I am capable, that the world isn’t out to get me. Even if I just achieve one thing during those darkest of days, no matter how small, it is still one thing more than those voices would have me believe was possible. Slowly, surely, bit by bit, those dark days are becoming less and I’m becoming more of an achiever than someone who just let life pass them by.
Be that person who takes the time to make a change in your life, do something for yourself. Whether it be indulging in a hobby or just doing something else that you enjoy, all these are things we can do to work towards our own happiness.
Showing posts with label social interaction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social interaction. Show all posts
Monday, 13 October 2014
Friday, 30 May 2014
Self-Image
I don’t believe I’ve ever had a very good self-image, whether it be down to how I look, or how I perceive myself otherwise as a person. There have been many people in my life who haven’t helped that and have, indeed, exacerbated the situation.
It all started when I was quite young. As a child, along with my fellow siblings, I was always put down by my elders, told constantly how I wasn’t good enough at something. Each of us as fellow siblings were encouraged to further the damage with nasty words to the others. So, even if I knew otherwise, the belief that I was “stupid”, “worthless” or crap at a particular subject was ingrained into me. My low self-confidence as a result of this had a knock on effect on how people perceived me at school. It meant that I was bullied and my physical image was attacked, too. I was now not only “stupid”, “worthless”, “crap at everything”, I was also “ugly”, the person no one wanted to be friends with in case they caught something.
As a result of all of this, I have never been content with my self-image, whether it be how I interact with people or how I look. I’ve spent years being uncomfortable if people tell me I’m attractive or good at something. Even the smallest compliment will have me fidgeting and trying to find a way to negate or explain why it may seem I’m that way. All those positives turned into negatives, because for so many years I was always told otherwise.
So, what can I do to change this? Should I change this? Shouldn’t it be right that I believe that I’m worth something?
I’ll start with body-image. As a woman it can be hard to fit into society if you’re not perceived as being magazine-beautiful, or as trying to achieve that absolute perfection. The media tell us that the only way we can ever be acceptable to others is to be this clone image of whatever their latest trend is. Well, this is something that I haven’t fit into for years. Yet still, somehow, on a subconscious level, I’d make those little efforts, a little bit of make-up here and there, body-hair maintenance, etc. Even when wearing the drabbest clothing, I’d still be making over-the-top efforts to look a little bit more acceptable. It didn’t make me feel any better at all and certainly didn’t help me fit in any better.
So, I’ve stopped. I no longer bother with shaving, as I find it a ridiculous waste of time trying to achieve a fake image of so-called perfection that I’ll never reach anyway. I no longer wear make-up, even when the odd spot decides to surface and mar my otherwise less-than-media-perfect features. I don’t colour my hair, as I know that disguising the greys isn’t going to make them any less real. I am becoming a natural being, a woman in the form she is meant to be in. Yet am I happy?
I must admit, I am still uncomfortable with going out in skirts and dresses, trying to wear something nice and comfortable whilst not having made any of the “required” beauty efforts. I have done this in the past and not received any negative comments, yet I know that people still look. But, at the same time, I feel more comfortable with myself and less stressed for not having to go that extra mile, when I know, on the whole, it won’t change my own perceived self-image much, anyway.
So, what is needed to be comfortable with my own self-image? Well, one thing I do know is that it has nothing to do with the physical side of things.
Let’s go back to the bullying for a second. Even when I was trying to make an effort, trying to make myself prettier through using various lotions, potions, powders and clothing, I was still called names, made fun at. I thought I was trying to fit in, but all I was doing was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Even then, it took me far too long to realise that, what I really needed to do, was to just be myself. Now that wasn’t that easy to do when I was always trying to hang with the wrong crowds, if I ever did to socialise after having become a recluse for the most part. Yet, as soon as I had the right people around me, suddenly it didn’t matter how I looked, just who I was. I started to relax and my true colours started to show.
So, now onto self-esteem, the other side of self-image. One thing I have learnt is that it takes confidence to be the person you are rather than the person you think you should be. When you’ve spent any portion of your life being put down, trying to pretend that you’re someone else isn’t going to make people who have made a victim of you like you any more. If anything, it just gives them another excuse to laugh at you. What’s needed is to build upon your own self-worth and realise for yourself that you’re not the person all those nasty people have said you are, that you are capable of more than they say. Of course, it does help when you have good people around you who will encourage you and help you understand your true potential.
I’ve been lucky in that, nowadays, there’s mostly positive people in my life. It means that I’m gaining more and more confidence in being the person I really am rather than hiding various aspects because of what people may think. Because of this, it means I gain more respect and encouragement and means that I can also give some of that positivity back. It also means, when faced with negativity, I’m able to shrug it off a lot easier. This isn't to say that it's wrong to wear or do something that will make us feel better. Not at all. Yet, through that, we should still remember that self-image is all about how we perceive ourselves, inside and out, and we shouldn’t ever be afraid to show and be who we truly are.
It all started when I was quite young. As a child, along with my fellow siblings, I was always put down by my elders, told constantly how I wasn’t good enough at something. Each of us as fellow siblings were encouraged to further the damage with nasty words to the others. So, even if I knew otherwise, the belief that I was “stupid”, “worthless” or crap at a particular subject was ingrained into me. My low self-confidence as a result of this had a knock on effect on how people perceived me at school. It meant that I was bullied and my physical image was attacked, too. I was now not only “stupid”, “worthless”, “crap at everything”, I was also “ugly”, the person no one wanted to be friends with in case they caught something.
As a result of all of this, I have never been content with my self-image, whether it be how I interact with people or how I look. I’ve spent years being uncomfortable if people tell me I’m attractive or good at something. Even the smallest compliment will have me fidgeting and trying to find a way to negate or explain why it may seem I’m that way. All those positives turned into negatives, because for so many years I was always told otherwise.
So, what can I do to change this? Should I change this? Shouldn’t it be right that I believe that I’m worth something?
I’ll start with body-image. As a woman it can be hard to fit into society if you’re not perceived as being magazine-beautiful, or as trying to achieve that absolute perfection. The media tell us that the only way we can ever be acceptable to others is to be this clone image of whatever their latest trend is. Well, this is something that I haven’t fit into for years. Yet still, somehow, on a subconscious level, I’d make those little efforts, a little bit of make-up here and there, body-hair maintenance, etc. Even when wearing the drabbest clothing, I’d still be making over-the-top efforts to look a little bit more acceptable. It didn’t make me feel any better at all and certainly didn’t help me fit in any better.
So, I’ve stopped. I no longer bother with shaving, as I find it a ridiculous waste of time trying to achieve a fake image of so-called perfection that I’ll never reach anyway. I no longer wear make-up, even when the odd spot decides to surface and mar my otherwise less-than-media-perfect features. I don’t colour my hair, as I know that disguising the greys isn’t going to make them any less real. I am becoming a natural being, a woman in the form she is meant to be in. Yet am I happy?
I must admit, I am still uncomfortable with going out in skirts and dresses, trying to wear something nice and comfortable whilst not having made any of the “required” beauty efforts. I have done this in the past and not received any negative comments, yet I know that people still look. But, at the same time, I feel more comfortable with myself and less stressed for not having to go that extra mile, when I know, on the whole, it won’t change my own perceived self-image much, anyway.
So, what is needed to be comfortable with my own self-image? Well, one thing I do know is that it has nothing to do with the physical side of things.
Let’s go back to the bullying for a second. Even when I was trying to make an effort, trying to make myself prettier through using various lotions, potions, powders and clothing, I was still called names, made fun at. I thought I was trying to fit in, but all I was doing was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Even then, it took me far too long to realise that, what I really needed to do, was to just be myself. Now that wasn’t that easy to do when I was always trying to hang with the wrong crowds, if I ever did to socialise after having become a recluse for the most part. Yet, as soon as I had the right people around me, suddenly it didn’t matter how I looked, just who I was. I started to relax and my true colours started to show.
So, now onto self-esteem, the other side of self-image. One thing I have learnt is that it takes confidence to be the person you are rather than the person you think you should be. When you’ve spent any portion of your life being put down, trying to pretend that you’re someone else isn’t going to make people who have made a victim of you like you any more. If anything, it just gives them another excuse to laugh at you. What’s needed is to build upon your own self-worth and realise for yourself that you’re not the person all those nasty people have said you are, that you are capable of more than they say. Of course, it does help when you have good people around you who will encourage you and help you understand your true potential.
I’ve been lucky in that, nowadays, there’s mostly positive people in my life. It means that I’m gaining more and more confidence in being the person I really am rather than hiding various aspects because of what people may think. Because of this, it means I gain more respect and encouragement and means that I can also give some of that positivity back. It also means, when faced with negativity, I’m able to shrug it off a lot easier. This isn't to say that it's wrong to wear or do something that will make us feel better. Not at all. Yet, through that, we should still remember that self-image is all about how we perceive ourselves, inside and out, and we shouldn’t ever be afraid to show and be who we truly are.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Unleashing the Lion
Perhaps not the right title for what I'm about to write about (although it could be - depends on how you view it, I guess), but it was the first thing that actually came into my head whilst thinking about it.
I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot about changes, endings, etc. Everything has its time; nothing lasts forever. Even my latest tarot reading was talking about changes coming up, new starts, ending of the old. It has to happen eventually, the one thing that is inevitable in life - death. That goes as much for any kind of relationship, any phase in life, as much as for the physical reality of the ending of life itself. And for all that I can live with minor or major changes (preferably minor, and that goes for songs, too), have always been able to adapt, the one thing that has always scared me (aside from spiders) is death.
You would have thought that, after all I've been through, that death would be the one thing I could accept most easily of all. There have been a couple of times when that has seemed like not just the easiest but the only way out - better to let myself go than to be abandoned again. But, that's just it - the changes that come with the death of anything always leave you feeling like you've been abandoned, like you've done something wrong, that perhaps you weren't the best person you could have been. Why risk going there again, exposing yourself to it again, when it's only going to lead to more pain?
Risks. Every single day I go outside, every time I speak to someone, there's always such a great risk involved. Do they actually like me? Will I be too much for them today? How much can I say before they run away from me, screaming, because I've overdone it again? Will they think that I don't like them, I'm ignoring them, if I hold myself at a distance? Can I trust them? For all that I have calmed down in recent years, the lessons of the past are still there in my mind, so easy for me to see. Means that I mostly hold myself at a distance, try not to get too close. But, then... Then there's someone that's different, unique, not like most people. Someone who understands, even if it's only in a small part, what goes on in my mind at times, how I see the world. Then it's like my foot slips off the brake onto the accelerator, and I go crashing full speed into a wall, only to be left broken and disappointed again. Yes, that's quite it - I unleash the lion and let it ravage my victim until they can't breathe, just because I can't get enough of the glorious vibe that they give me.
Almost everything with me is done with great intensity. I'm miserable to the extreme. I'm happy to the extreme. I hate to the extreme. I love to the extreme. The balance in the middle? My mind just skips over, or barely notices; notices to the extreme at times the little minute details that no one pays any attention to, analyses to the extreme. But that bit right in the middle, between all the extremities? It makes it feel like I'm floating on thin air, suspended temporarily, about to fall into one of many pits that lay below me, without a choice of which one I'll fall into. Wouldn't mind it so much if 95% of them didn't have spikes in! Oh, the pain, again! Why is there always so much pain involved? Haven't I suffered enough already?
So, because of all this craziness, yes - every relationship, no matter on what level, is a great risk for me. Sometimes I am just far too intense for people to cope with, which means that they always run away in the end, or just shut me out. The worst part about this is is that people start off by liking me, because I can be caring, kind, helpful, funny, and the milder side of me that they're exposed to isn't so extreme that it's a problem. A bit quirky, maybe, but nothing that's too much for them to handle. Oh, but then... Then I open up the door of the arena, once I'm comfortable with being around someone, and they see all the dark beasts that are lurking behind the gate...
Some people start shouting at me then, unable to believe that the princess has turned into a monster rather than the other way around. Others slink away, never to be heard from again, avoiding you if you ever see them...
I think, for me, it's easier to deal with those that confront you face to face, who aren't so shy about it. At least then I know what I've done wrong this time, I can deal with it, apologise for it (luckily I am able now to control the urge to continuously apologise forever, eventually apologising for apologising for apologising for... Yeah, you get it), then move on as needed (unlike how I used to hang at the door, calling every now and then, trying to act normal about the situation when I couldn't, really, as I still remember how much it hurt). Yes, it hurts, so much so that I think I'll explode with the amount of pain I feel. But knowing gives me the chance to reflect, to improve, and to try and control myself better next time (not always possible, but I can still try).
My inner cat is so ferocious it could destroy worlds. Or, at least, other people's. Even easier, it destroys mine quite often. It's something I've gotten used to over the years, makes me even more suspicious of people, even more cautious than I've ever been about friendships. Yet I still seem to get it wrong, still can't be anyone but myself, the destroyer. But no matter how much I am aware of the fact that this happens, the fact that nothing lasts forever, I still fear it so greatly and it is something I can never completely accept. I mean, I thought breaking my hand last year was painful. I've had various other painful injuries. But all considering, I can live with physical pain far easier than I can ever live with the mental anguish, the inner pain, where my gut just feels like it's trying to rip itself apart.
It is almost Samhain, the time when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest, the time when the old world changes, prepares for its sleep, so the new world can wake again with spring. Nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. So, with tears in my eyes, I prepare for the next step. The new beginning.
I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot about changes, endings, etc. Everything has its time; nothing lasts forever. Even my latest tarot reading was talking about changes coming up, new starts, ending of the old. It has to happen eventually, the one thing that is inevitable in life - death. That goes as much for any kind of relationship, any phase in life, as much as for the physical reality of the ending of life itself. And for all that I can live with minor or major changes (preferably minor, and that goes for songs, too), have always been able to adapt, the one thing that has always scared me (aside from spiders) is death.
You would have thought that, after all I've been through, that death would be the one thing I could accept most easily of all. There have been a couple of times when that has seemed like not just the easiest but the only way out - better to let myself go than to be abandoned again. But, that's just it - the changes that come with the death of anything always leave you feeling like you've been abandoned, like you've done something wrong, that perhaps you weren't the best person you could have been. Why risk going there again, exposing yourself to it again, when it's only going to lead to more pain?
Risks. Every single day I go outside, every time I speak to someone, there's always such a great risk involved. Do they actually like me? Will I be too much for them today? How much can I say before they run away from me, screaming, because I've overdone it again? Will they think that I don't like them, I'm ignoring them, if I hold myself at a distance? Can I trust them? For all that I have calmed down in recent years, the lessons of the past are still there in my mind, so easy for me to see. Means that I mostly hold myself at a distance, try not to get too close. But, then... Then there's someone that's different, unique, not like most people. Someone who understands, even if it's only in a small part, what goes on in my mind at times, how I see the world. Then it's like my foot slips off the brake onto the accelerator, and I go crashing full speed into a wall, only to be left broken and disappointed again. Yes, that's quite it - I unleash the lion and let it ravage my victim until they can't breathe, just because I can't get enough of the glorious vibe that they give me.
Almost everything with me is done with great intensity. I'm miserable to the extreme. I'm happy to the extreme. I hate to the extreme. I love to the extreme. The balance in the middle? My mind just skips over, or barely notices; notices to the extreme at times the little minute details that no one pays any attention to, analyses to the extreme. But that bit right in the middle, between all the extremities? It makes it feel like I'm floating on thin air, suspended temporarily, about to fall into one of many pits that lay below me, without a choice of which one I'll fall into. Wouldn't mind it so much if 95% of them didn't have spikes in! Oh, the pain, again! Why is there always so much pain involved? Haven't I suffered enough already?
So, because of all this craziness, yes - every relationship, no matter on what level, is a great risk for me. Sometimes I am just far too intense for people to cope with, which means that they always run away in the end, or just shut me out. The worst part about this is is that people start off by liking me, because I can be caring, kind, helpful, funny, and the milder side of me that they're exposed to isn't so extreme that it's a problem. A bit quirky, maybe, but nothing that's too much for them to handle. Oh, but then... Then I open up the door of the arena, once I'm comfortable with being around someone, and they see all the dark beasts that are lurking behind the gate...
Some people start shouting at me then, unable to believe that the princess has turned into a monster rather than the other way around. Others slink away, never to be heard from again, avoiding you if you ever see them...
I think, for me, it's easier to deal with those that confront you face to face, who aren't so shy about it. At least then I know what I've done wrong this time, I can deal with it, apologise for it (luckily I am able now to control the urge to continuously apologise forever, eventually apologising for apologising for apologising for... Yeah, you get it), then move on as needed (unlike how I used to hang at the door, calling every now and then, trying to act normal about the situation when I couldn't, really, as I still remember how much it hurt). Yes, it hurts, so much so that I think I'll explode with the amount of pain I feel. But knowing gives me the chance to reflect, to improve, and to try and control myself better next time (not always possible, but I can still try).
My inner cat is so ferocious it could destroy worlds. Or, at least, other people's. Even easier, it destroys mine quite often. It's something I've gotten used to over the years, makes me even more suspicious of people, even more cautious than I've ever been about friendships. Yet I still seem to get it wrong, still can't be anyone but myself, the destroyer. But no matter how much I am aware of the fact that this happens, the fact that nothing lasts forever, I still fear it so greatly and it is something I can never completely accept. I mean, I thought breaking my hand last year was painful. I've had various other painful injuries. But all considering, I can live with physical pain far easier than I can ever live with the mental anguish, the inner pain, where my gut just feels like it's trying to rip itself apart.
It is almost Samhain, the time when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest, the time when the old world changes, prepares for its sleep, so the new world can wake again with spring. Nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. So, with tears in my eyes, I prepare for the next step. The new beginning.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
When Does the Social Network Become Anti-Social?
Facebook, in all their finite wisdom, have just a moment ago decided to roll out their pathetic new changes across the board, which now affects me as well. Well, this is what I have to say to it.
I've never particularly liked Facebook, but have more put up with it, it being a convenient tool to cope with my bad periods, to get me through the really depressive times, just to get over the dark hill that can spring up from time to time. Chatting to people and playing games has been a mundane stress relief at the times when I have been unable to do much else. So, whilst I may dislike it in some ways, it's a free tool which has had relatively low-impact changes that I've been mostly able to work around.
That is, until now.
You can only imagine my horror as, whilst I was browsing my newsfeed, I was first forced to log-in again, then confronted in a flash of a second with this totally ridiculous new layout, with "instructions" on how to do it. For someone like me, who's been using this as a stress reliever, this is not the sort of thing I want to be confronted with!
So, now my stress reliever has become another pile of stress to deal with. No longer can I easily interact with people or update my information as I want - I now have to be told what I want to read, by someone else deeming things important based on whatever data they've pulled out their sleeve with their last trick. Please, Facebook, stick the rabbit back in its box and allow us that usually spend our days dancing on the sanity line to at least be able to keep our comforts and safe places that you've so rudely stolen from us. Otherwise it's going to be back to PC games for me and shutting myself away from social interaction when I'm feeling low, which is the worst thing possible.
I've never particularly liked Facebook, but have more put up with it, it being a convenient tool to cope with my bad periods, to get me through the really depressive times, just to get over the dark hill that can spring up from time to time. Chatting to people and playing games has been a mundane stress relief at the times when I have been unable to do much else. So, whilst I may dislike it in some ways, it's a free tool which has had relatively low-impact changes that I've been mostly able to work around.
That is, until now.
You can only imagine my horror as, whilst I was browsing my newsfeed, I was first forced to log-in again, then confronted in a flash of a second with this totally ridiculous new layout, with "instructions" on how to do it. For someone like me, who's been using this as a stress reliever, this is not the sort of thing I want to be confronted with!
So, now my stress reliever has become another pile of stress to deal with. No longer can I easily interact with people or update my information as I want - I now have to be told what I want to read, by someone else deeming things important based on whatever data they've pulled out their sleeve with their last trick. Please, Facebook, stick the rabbit back in its box and allow us that usually spend our days dancing on the sanity line to at least be able to keep our comforts and safe places that you've so rudely stolen from us. Otherwise it's going to be back to PC games for me and shutting myself away from social interaction when I'm feeling low, which is the worst thing possible.
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