Fickle

Sometimes I don't know who I am or what I'm doing. It can be quite hard to choose a direction and stick to it. It's not that I don't completely have a direction to head into; it's just that I don't always know if it's the right thing to do overall, or even for me.

It's because I'm so changeable – I’ve always been like that. It makes it very hard to settle down or to fix myself to any given point in time. Sometimes I don't know if I'm making these decisions on a whim or if it's something I really want for myself. There are some things I enjoy more than others, things that are less changeable, but does that mean I'll stick with them? Not always, as I don't always believe in myself, believe myself capable. There are people I absolutely adore for the moment, but does that mean I won't drive them off, think that they don't really like me or are even just using me?

Yes there are some constants, but... It's hard to settle myself down, even when I want to. And stick to it. I've done a lot of running when things haven't gone my way, too, terrified of consequences that often only I can see.

But I am changing.

I'm starting to think more before my actions; unless something panics me to move (so I become less in control of my actions), I try to think things through before making any move or decision. Sometimes things will appear a lot less severe later on or an idea seems less worth following through (as in, saving myself from doing something stupid). Hindsight is wonderful; foresight is better. It makes it far easier in this way to face up to things when they do go wrong, so I feel that there is less need for me to run. Sometimes I still want to run despite this, but it's something that I've also been controlling a lot more recently, as I know running away from a problem only makes it worse and harder to face up to in the long run.

With all that in mind, I've started trying to set myself up as a realist, balancing out every opinion to find a sensible middle. It's very hard, as sometimes it can take weeks of thinking to form my own opinion on a subject, but it's far better than a knee-jerk reaction any day.

Although it doesn't stop that from happening; when highly emotional I can easily still react out of hand, but I do try nowadays a lot more to control it and not take it so far as I used to.

Trouble is, despite the negative sides to it, it also has positives. Creativity, for instance. If it wasn’t for my highly-active imagination and changeable nature, I don’t believe I would be able to do as many of the creative things that I do. Yes, a lot of my projects end up being shelved for some time, because of how I am. But I do have 2 main creative stays, which I stick to constantly. It drives me, keeps me going, keeps me sane. Means that once I’m over the worst of a highly-emotional period, I can put the recovery process to very good use.

But, anyhow. Whilst I have an excuse for my fickle and changeable nature, I guess we are all that way to some extent. It’s just that, unfortunately, it shows up more in me than in many others. And many people, including myself, end up getting hurt because of it.

Today I Cried

I've been neglecting this place for a while. Partly it's because I hate this time of year, anyway. I find it hard to cope with the dark cold months - getting up when it's so cold outside. Also, when September comes around, I find it quite hard to adjust to getting myself back into the swing of things, believing in myself once more, and trying to get to a new point of self-confidence just as the days are getting unbearably short and the mornings are getting darker. To be honest it would be far easier, for this reason, if schools worked alongside calendar years, beginning as it's getting lighter and ending as it's getting darker, but... Well, studying is my salvation, so I have to make the most of what is there.

The odd part in all this is that I know, as January comes around, I start to change again. After the Christmas break I start to turn myself around and am able to start to refocus. It's quite a bizarre change, as I've heard people that say they find January quite depressing. December, for me, is very depressing, with all the dim darkness and stresses involved there. But January is uplifting, as you're starting to head towards a new beginning.

Some people hate New Years. They see it as being positioned wrongly or pointless. Well, for me, it's almost positioned correctly for the reasons I mentioned above - the lengthening days, more light being flooded into your life. For all I love restful sleeps and used to love staying in bed as long as possible, I've been hating it more and more recently. I still want a restful sleep, but what I need and thrive on more than anything is light. So January, despite it still being quite cold, starts to bring more light into my life, and starts to turn me around into a frame of positive thinking. And that's when the regrets come along...

It almost feels like I'm starting to wake up out of a hibernation. It happened later last year, but it's happening today now for me. Might have been something to do with reading Amanda Palmer's latest blog post today, about her wedding to Neil Gaiman, but... I think it's more than that. I think it's something that's been building up for all that time I've been pushing myself, unwillingly, down into the dark, and watching numbly as my muscles start to wake up and respond again over the past few days. As the frosts of winter lay all around, that I've been trying to wrap myself up against and not feel, I start to embrace it and everything else. It is cold. It hurts.

Today I look around wondering how I've ended up here, writhing in pain inside as I watch the changes around me. Old friends, new friends, gone friends... All who have made an impact in making me who I am, here, now. For all I try to be a good person, I know I can't always be that, that I can be cruel and manipulative when I am desperately in need, that I can be unbearably selfish, the survival instinct winning through as I fight away the darkness, the invisible monsters that only I can seem to see at times. But I try... I try to be honest, to help when I can... But I make mistakes. The worst part is, I don't always know what they are! But I am still trying, trying to be me to the best that I can be anything.

I've said before how much people inspire me. I know the most beautiful and colourful people and I know I wouldn't survive without them. Sometimes I just live off of their energy, that keeps me going through the darker times. Sometimes they don't even seem to realise how much a warm smile at the right time can just keep me going, giving me hope until I can pull myself back from the edge once more. And I know I can inspire many of them, too, how they dance along to my colourful energy as I sing and sashay my way around the dance floor of my life. But then, the darkness... Some of them avoid me, shy away, retreating from the blackness that is enveloping me and threatening to consume everything I come into contact with. Yet others stay, helping to fight away the dark clouds with their blinding light, just a smile, a kiss, a hug, a memory, a warm blanket to help me survive the winter and bring me back to life in the spring.

So today, now, I cry for them. I cry for all those that have touched my life, all those that I adore so much, all those that have kept me going through these dark dark months. And also for all those that have gone, moved on. For you were all and still are a part of my life and help me to survive, so I may live.