Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Unleashing the Lion

Perhaps not the right title for what I'm about to write about (although it could be - depends on how you view it, I guess), but it was the first thing that actually came into my head whilst thinking about it.

I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot about changes, endings, etc. Everything has its time; nothing lasts forever. Even my latest tarot reading was talking about changes coming up, new starts, ending of the old. It has to happen eventually, the one thing that is inevitable in life - death. That goes as much for any kind of relationship, any phase in life, as much as for the physical reality of the ending of life itself. And for all that I can live with minor or major changes (preferably minor, and that goes for songs, too), have always been able to adapt, the one thing that has always scared me (aside from spiders) is death.

You would have thought that, after all I've been through, that death would be the one thing I could accept most easily of all. There have been a couple of times when that has seemed like not just the easiest but the only way out - better to let myself go than to be abandoned again. But, that's just it - the changes that come with the death of anything always leave you feeling like you've been abandoned, like you've done something wrong, that perhaps you weren't the best person you could have been. Why risk going there again, exposing yourself to it again, when it's only going to lead to more pain?

Risks. Every single day I go outside, every time I speak to someone, there's always such a great risk involved. Do they actually like me? Will I be too much for them today? How much can I say before they run away from me, screaming, because I've overdone it again? Will they think that I don't like them, I'm ignoring them, if I hold myself at a distance? Can I trust them? For all that I have calmed down in recent years, the lessons of the past are still there in my mind, so easy for me to see. Means that I mostly hold myself at a distance, try not to get too close. But, then... Then there's someone that's different, unique, not like most people. Someone who understands, even if it's only in a small part, what goes on in my mind at times, how I see the world. Then it's like my foot slips off the brake onto the accelerator, and I go crashing full speed into a wall, only to be left broken and disappointed again. Yes, that's quite it - I unleash the lion and let it ravage my victim until they can't breathe, just because I can't get enough of the glorious vibe that they give me.

Almost everything with me is done with great intensity. I'm miserable to the extreme. I'm happy to the extreme. I hate to the extreme. I love to the extreme. The balance in the middle? My mind just skips over, or barely notices; notices to the extreme at times the little minute details that no one pays any attention to, analyses to the extreme. But that bit right in the middle, between all the extremities? It makes it feel like I'm floating on thin air, suspended temporarily, about to fall into one of many pits that lay below me, without a choice of which one I'll fall into. Wouldn't mind it so much if 95% of them didn't have spikes in! Oh, the pain, again! Why is there always so much pain involved? Haven't I suffered enough already?

So, because of all this craziness, yes - every relationship, no matter on what level, is a great risk for me. Sometimes I am just far too intense for people to cope with, which means that they always run away in the end, or just shut me out. The worst part about this is is that people start off by liking me, because I can be caring, kind, helpful, funny, and the milder side of me that they're exposed to isn't so extreme that it's a problem. A bit quirky, maybe, but nothing that's too much for them to handle. Oh, but then... Then I open up the door of the arena, once I'm comfortable with being around someone, and they see all the dark beasts that are lurking behind the gate...

Some people start shouting at me then, unable to believe that the princess has turned into a monster rather than the other way around. Others slink away, never to be heard from again, avoiding you if you ever see them...

I think, for me, it's easier to deal with those that confront you face to face, who aren't so shy about it. At least then I know what I've done wrong this time, I can deal with it, apologise for it (luckily I am able now to control the urge to continuously apologise forever, eventually apologising for apologising for apologising for... Yeah, you get it), then move on as needed (unlike how I used to hang at the door, calling every now and then, trying to act normal about the situation when I couldn't, really, as I still remember how much it hurt). Yes, it hurts, so much so that I think I'll explode with the amount of pain I feel. But knowing gives me the chance to reflect, to improve, and to try and control myself better next time (not always possible, but I can still try).

My inner cat is so ferocious it could destroy worlds. Or, at least, other people's. Even easier, it destroys mine quite often. It's something I've gotten used to over the years, makes me even more suspicious of people, even more cautious than I've ever been about friendships. Yet I still seem to get it wrong, still can't be anyone but myself, the destroyer. But no matter how much I am aware of the fact that this happens, the fact that nothing lasts forever, I still fear it so greatly and it is something I can never completely accept. I mean, I thought breaking my hand last year was painful. I've had various other painful injuries. But all considering, I can live with physical pain far easier than I can ever live with the mental anguish, the inner pain, where my gut just feels like it's trying to rip itself apart.

It is almost Samhain, the time when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest, the time when the old world changes, prepares for its sleep, so the new world can wake again with spring. Nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. So, with tears in my eyes, I prepare for the next step. The new beginning.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Life is a Box of Chocolates...

Forrest Gump. A lovely film full of so much simple sentiment. A film full of simple ideas, where, indeed, the simple ideas are the most true.

We all want the best out of life: the best friends, the best job, the best hobbies, the best partner, the best children, the best pets... It is so easy to be dissatisfied with everything that comes along, so hard to just be happy with our deal in life, that things often turn out that they’re not the best for us. Yet, quite often, there is someone else out there, quite jealous of those things we have, the things that we are just so unable to be satisfied with.

I wake up in the morning, I roll the dice – a 5. I take 5 little hops long the floor and slip on a snake that sends me hurtling downstairs. Just as I recover and managed to find a ladder to pull myself up again, my next roll sends me running into another snake, which this time takes me down further, meaning I have to start all over again. Snakes and Ladders – a game that is almost impossible to win. But, why do we actually want to win? Shouldn’t we be thinking more about playing along and seeing where it takes us?

I was so pissed off with being sent down on that snake this morning that I missed my friend’s lovely smile, which could have warmed me up so well and helped me climb back up sooner without needing extra dice throws. I felt so much like I was on my way to winning after I’d climbed up that ladder that I wasn’t looking where I was going so made a mistake that sent me spinning down the next snake.

We so much want to be in control of our own dice throws that we don’t realise that we can live without them! Sometimes it does feel like someone else is throwing the dice for us, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t be in control of the outcome. It’s all about acceptance – a bad day is a bad day, but it’s not the end of the world, and if you’re still here, alive after it, then you can carry on, pick yourself up again, plonk the dice down on the number you want and say, “I’m going there!”

There is a lovely song by Bruce Dickinson, Navigate the Seas of the Sun, with absolutely brilliant lyrics, which you can view here. Such powerful lyrics, which on the one hand could be about finding a new world, space, but, if you look into them deeper, could so easily be as much about finding yourself. “If God is throwing dice, and Einstein doesn’t mind the chance…”, there are just so many brilliant phrases in there.

So, whether it’s the randomness of an unknown box of chocolates without any leaflet guide to tell you what they are (or Revels, perhaps, but you know at least one will be a peanut!), or random dice throws whilst trying to get on up the ladders of life; yes, we can’t always be in control of everything that comes our way, so why try to be too much? Oh yes, taking responsibility for things when necessary, of course, but apart from that? Relax, let it flow. What will be will be (que sera sera – I’m not going to go into another song, I’m not!). And watch. The bad deals might seem harsh, but they nearly always have something pleasant around there, somewhere, an opportunity, a place to go. The good deals seem so thrilling, but keep yourself alert so you don’t miss out on the next thrilling ride. :)

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Another Blog?

For those that are comfortable with reading Dutch, I have created another blog for all my crazy stories and poems in Dutch (only one poem so far, but it might go further):

There is also a link via the top now, too! I don't see myself writing there that much, but it's good fun! :)

Sunday, 2 October 2011

What Takes us Forward?

I'm a terrible hobbyist, always jumping from one thing to the next, never quite able to sit still (which is one reason I haven't written anything here for over a week). Yes, it's good in a way as it means I'm never bored (well, not often), but, at the same time, I rarely finish things! Yet there is definitely one constant...

I've always been like that. I just love doing creative things, things with colour, whether it be specifically drawing or painting, playing or writing music, or writing poems or stories. You see, I don't see colours only in their physical, visible form, but I also hear colours in music and see colours in words. And also in people.

Some days, on my depressive days, I am only able to see grey drabness. But even then, within all those layers of grey, there's usually a glint of colour somewhere, something that can give me hope and help me make it through. On my exceptionally good days, there are colours everywhere, overwhelming me, my body absorbing them like water or light, just letting it all flow through me. It's like I have little need for food or water and could just live off of the colours themselves.

I have actually written before about how I am inspired by people, how I see the colours within them. Well, this also goes for places or objects too, or music. Oh dear, there are some tunes I just end up addicted to, that I can't stop playing. After I've learnt a new tune that is oh so beautiful, I do sometimes end up loving it to death, playing it until I hurt. The colours are even more intense as I create them. Or there's a song I'll listen to on my computer and I just have to play it over and over, just to keep that feeling alive. The places I can visit when I'm there, within those colours, within that frame of mind... For me, there is absolutely nothing else like it.

As for places... Sometimes some places have been so taken over by people, so destroyed in the need for building building and rebuilding, that all the emotion and beauty that was once there has been totally stripped. Buildings aren't often made with love anymore, so it leaves the places so empty, so void of life. Yet there are other places I can go and feel more alive than anything else. A beautiful lake or river, a relaxing place amongst trees, greenery, nature all around me, the life and colours bringing me to a peaceful place where I could dream the day away.

For me, the one constant thing that has kept me alive through so many terrible things that I've seen has been this colour, the things that bring me hope, the things that make me feel alive more than anything else. So many times it has been people, just giving me that little spark of confidence and push in the right direction, so I can form my own colour palette once more, designing my own space to keep me safe.