Monday, 9 September 2013

Minor Headaches

Writing with a headache. It feels in a way like drilling holes in my brain. I knew I shouldn't have stayed so long, but the bus always seems to come early nowadays. So here I am, writing with a headache, because I can't call for a lift twice in one week. I'm also hungry. And my phone's died. So I'm lonely, hungry, have a headache, and am writing because there's nothing else to do. So, what next?

It's hardly like it's the worst situation I've been in, not by far. But life still seems unfair at these times. Like all the problems I've been having with my accordion. Then my hand injury, making it hard to play properly anyway. Who would have thought turning a tap off could be so dangerous? It can feel like the world is out to get me. A hand injury, then getting a headache during my singing lesson, so I can't do that either. Getting bronchitis earlier this year felt very much the same, like someone was out to get me. So seriously, what next?

Maybe I think too negatively and that also affects my situation. But sometimes it does truly feel like I have too much bad luck. And my pen's playing up, too, like I'm having to force the words out. But I have other pens; it's just that I prefer this one. Maybe, in the same way, I have other chances; it's just that I prefer the ones I've chosen.

When things do get me down perhaps I should look at what I do have and the opportunities, instead of always looking at the negative things, even if they do shout louder. There are still so many things that I can still do, despite the disabilities. Like now, sitting here, with a headache, with a pen that intermittently stops working, still able to tell my tale, even though no one yet knows.

Written this evening whilst waiting for the bus

Friday, 30 August 2013

The Light Shines Through

It's hard trying to hold on to that beautiful warmth I felt whilst I was away with so many amazing and colourful people. With their help I found and saw my true self for the first time and was able to relax and feel free for the first time in a long time. But being back at home the old reminders of the dark self are there...

I've changed, I know I've changed. As the darkness tries to work its way back in, I know I feel different this time, it feels different. The darkness is trying its best to take over everything, its in my arms, my legs, my stomach, but one thing it can't do is snuff out the bright light that's in my chest, my heart.

I know its not going to be easy. I know it'll be a while yet before I am free, and even then a spark will remain in the background in the form of doubts that everyone has. But now I have the tools to gently fight it, in the form of glistening hope, beautiful words and purifying light, gifts from great people, great friends. I know with these that I can learn to love and accept myself at last.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

More Than Just Living

Sometimes I live for living’s sake. Sometimes I carry on without realising what’s truly important. But what is important? The daily grind, housekeeping, the things that have to be done? Or the things that we deep inside truly want to do or be? Of course, we all have responsibilities, but does that mean that we have to shut ourselves off from the things that make us truly feel alive?

Life is complicated. Life is painful. All those emotions that you just shut away because you lost touch with yourself somewhere along the way. The deep emotions, the reminders of who you truly are and what you must be.

True living is allowing yourself to feel all those emotions, positive and negative, and being able to say through that, ‘I know myself and accept who I am.’

But I don’t know myself, because I’ve tried too long to fit in and be something that others have told me I should be. My body has tried to tell me the truth, but I still shut it off, even now at my furthest point. I just didn’t want to be alone, but it made me feel more alone than ever.

It’s time to start listening to myself again.

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Life goes on...

Life goes on. Life just goes on. Every time you fall down, you just have to stand up again and move on. The more I let things hold me down, the worse it feels. But I also need to feel.

Sometimes I automatically shut my emotions away lest they get too overwhelming. The trouble is I don't know what I've been doing until something sharper hits me and opens it all up again.

Sometimes I need to allow myself to cry, to feel things, but I bottle it up automatically and try to keep going. It's good to let it all out properly, as we need to feel the bad emotions as well, even when we don't want to. Embrace them as much as the good, because they're not going to go away and need to be felt.

If I do it too much I can make myself feel worse. But that's also because I still sometimes feel guilty for feeling sad and concentrating on my own sadness rather than being sympathetic to someone else's. But I also feel guilty for not feeling sad enough.

The pain, that boiling burning oil in the pit of my stomach. I'd do anything not to have to feel that.

Written 14/06/2013.