Self-Image

I don’t believe I’ve ever had a very good self-image, whether it be down to how I look, or how I perceive myself otherwise as a person. There have been many people in my life who haven’t helped that and have, indeed, exacerbated the situation.

It all started when I was quite young. As a child, along with my fellow siblings, I was always put down by my elders, told constantly how I wasn’t good enough at something. Each of us as fellow siblings were encouraged to further the damage with nasty words to the others. So, even if I knew otherwise, the belief that I was “stupid”, “worthless” or crap at a particular subject was ingrained into me. My low self-confidence as a result of this had a knock on effect on how people perceived me at school. It meant that I was bullied and my physical image was attacked, too. I was now not only “stupid”, “worthless”, “crap at everything”, I was also “ugly”, the person no one wanted to be friends with in case they caught something.

As a result of all of this, I have never been content with my self-image, whether it be how I interact with people or how I look. I’ve spent years being uncomfortable if people tell me I’m attractive or good at something. Even the smallest compliment will have me fidgeting and trying to find a way to negate or explain why it may seem I’m that way. All those positives turned into negatives, because for so many years I was always told otherwise.

So, what can I do to change this? Should I change this? Shouldn’t it be right that I believe that I’m worth something?

I’ll start with body-image. As a woman it can be hard to fit into society if you’re not perceived as being magazine-beautiful, or as trying to achieve that absolute perfection. The media tell us that the only way we can ever be acceptable to others is to be this clone image of whatever their latest trend is. Well, this is something that I haven’t fit into for years. Yet still, somehow, on a subconscious level, I’d make those little efforts, a little bit of make-up here and there, body-hair maintenance, etc. Even when wearing the drabbest clothing, I’d still be making over-the-top efforts to look a little bit more acceptable. It didn’t make me feel any better at all and certainly didn’t help me fit in any better.

So, I’ve stopped. I no longer bother with shaving, as I find it a ridiculous waste of time trying to achieve a fake image of so-called perfection that I’ll never reach anyway. I no longer wear make-up, even when the odd spot decides to surface and mar my otherwise less-than-media-perfect features. I don’t colour my hair, as I know that disguising the greys isn’t going to make them any less real. I am becoming a natural being, a woman in the form she is meant to be in. Yet am I happy?

I must admit, I am still uncomfortable with going out in skirts and dresses, trying to wear something nice and comfortable whilst not having made any of the “required” beauty efforts. I have done this in the past and not received any negative comments, yet I know that people still look. But, at the same time, I feel more comfortable with myself and less stressed for not having to go that extra mile, when I know, on the whole, it won’t change my own perceived self-image much, anyway.

So, what is needed to be comfortable with my own self-image? Well, one thing I do know is that it has nothing to do with the physical side of things.

Let’s go back to the bullying for a second. Even when I was trying to make an effort, trying to make myself prettier through using various lotions, potions, powders and clothing, I was still called names, made fun at. I thought I was trying to fit in, but all I was doing was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Even then, it took me far too long to realise that, what I really needed to do, was to just be myself. Now that wasn’t that easy to do when I was always trying to hang with the wrong crowds, if I ever did to socialise after having become a recluse for the most part. Yet, as soon as I had the right people around me, suddenly it didn’t matter how I looked, just who I was. I started to relax and my true colours started to show.

So, now onto self-esteem, the other side of self-image. One thing I have learnt is that it takes confidence to be the person you are rather than the person you think you should be. When you’ve spent any portion of your life being put down, trying to pretend that you’re someone else isn’t going to make people who have made a victim of you like you any more. If anything, it just gives them another excuse to laugh at you. What’s needed is to build upon your own self-worth and realise for yourself that you’re not the person all those nasty people have said you are, that you are capable of more than they say. Of course, it does help when you have good people around you who will encourage you and help you understand your true potential.

I’ve been lucky in that, nowadays, there’s mostly positive people in my life. It means that I’m gaining more and more confidence in being the person I really am rather than hiding various aspects because of what people may think. Because of this, it means I gain more respect and encouragement and means that I can also give some of that positivity back. It also means, when faced with negativity, I’m able to shrug it off a lot easier. This isn't to say that it's wrong to wear or do something that will make us feel better. Not at all. Yet, through that, we should still remember that self-image is all about how we perceive ourselves, inside and out, and we shouldn’t ever be afraid to show and be who we truly are.

What Takes us Forward?

I'm a terrible hobbyist, always jumping from one thing to the next, never quite able to sit still (which is one reason I haven't written anything here for over a week). Yes, it's good in a way as it means I'm never bored (well, not often), but, at the same time, I rarely finish things! Yet there is definitely one constant...

I've always been like that. I just love doing creative things, things with colour, whether it be specifically drawing or painting, playing or writing music, or writing poems or stories. You see, I don't see colours only in their physical, visible form, but I also hear colours in music and see colours in words. And also in people.

Some days, on my depressive days, I am only able to see grey drabness. But even then, within all those layers of grey, there's usually a glint of colour somewhere, something that can give me hope and help me make it through. On my exceptionally good days, there are colours everywhere, overwhelming me, my body absorbing them like water or light, just letting it all flow through me. It's like I have little need for food or water and could just live off of the colours themselves.

I have actually written before about how I am inspired by people, how I see the colours within them. Well, this also goes for places or objects too, or music. Oh dear, there are some tunes I just end up addicted to, that I can't stop playing. After I've learnt a new tune that is oh so beautiful, I do sometimes end up loving it to death, playing it until I hurt. The colours are even more intense as I create them. Or there's a song I'll listen to on my computer and I just have to play it over and over, just to keep that feeling alive. The places I can visit when I'm there, within those colours, within that frame of mind... For me, there is absolutely nothing else like it.

As for places... Sometimes some places have been so taken over by people, so destroyed in the need for building building and rebuilding, that all the emotion and beauty that was once there has been totally stripped. Buildings aren't often made with love anymore, so it leaves the places so empty, so void of life. Yet there are other places I can go and feel more alive than anything else. A beautiful lake or river, a relaxing place amongst trees, greenery, nature all around me, the life and colours bringing me to a peaceful place where I could dream the day away.

For me, the one constant thing that has kept me alive through so many terrible things that I've seen has been this colour, the things that bring me hope, the things that make me feel alive more than anything else. So many times it has been people, just giving me that little spark of confidence and push in the right direction, so I can form my own colour palette once more, designing my own space to keep me safe.

To Label or not to Label...!

Having read a very interesting blog post yesterday on one of the blogs I follow, as well as accidentally finding another interesting blog yesterday evening, and then reading this news article today, it's made me start to think once more about labels and how useful they actually are.

For me, personally, I found labels in the beginning to be quite scary. Well, at least the descriptions for them. On the one hand, the label is quite bland, coming along with or without the pretty picture. But then, as soon as you start to read the description behind that label... Then the panic starts to set in, as in "shit, am I really that terrible, that nasty to people??!" But then you calm down a bit after the initial shock and start to read the fine details more calmly, realising how broad that description still is. But it's still essentially a recipe list of problems, which can be overwhelming at times. All those little things that we are suddenly confronted with, forced to deal with! It can be quite a lot for someone to take in!

Luckily I'm one of the few that are able to take those details and put it to good use, but I am aware that not everyone can. For me, it's useful having the label, as once I'm over the initial shock it gives me a place to start researching, a place to build upon my own coping mechanisms, as I know that I'm already aware of all the problems there - none of what sits within the description is new to me; it's just a shock in the first instance seeing it all listed on one page, your life grinning back at you all in one go! But once I'm over that shock, I realise that I knew it all anyway - it's just that now I have a name for it.

Many others will just see the label, with all it comes with, and start panicking. The trouble is so many mental illnesses have had a bad press at some point that the instant reaction for a majority of people is one of disbelief, "that's not me! How can that possibly be me?!" They just simply do not want to accept it. Well, I can understand that, as I was like that myself years ago. The difference between that person from years ago and the one that sits here now is a level of acceptance - having already started accepting who I am, another label comes as no major shock to me.

Medical labels can be useful. They can be a way to instantly communicate across to someone a generalisation of problems, whether it be speaking to a fellow sufferer, or speaking to a medical practitioner. They can help you find specific support or care quickly and easily, without all the fuss of having to explain all the finite details for the umpteenth time. Yet, on the other hand, they can be quite harmful - anyone can put on label and wear it with pride, essentially getting away with murder in some instances. Does that mean we should keep our labels private?

But what people don't realise is that we all have labels that we put upon ourselves, not just medical labels, which can range anywhere from our work to our hobbies. There is the one lady who is an administrator, but in her spare time she's a railways enthusiast. Or how about that man over there? He's an accountant, but in his spare time he's a dancer. Actor, musician, painter, artist, sailor, sculptor, doctor... The list is endless. How, in that instance, does it make medical labels any different? There are many people who spend their entire lives living by false labels, pretending to be something they're not, from benefit cheats to attention seekers. The difference comes, perhaps, in that with most cases they're not trying to get away with murder!

At the end of the day, all that those labels give you is an overview. Anyone can put a label on, wear it with some degree of pride, try to define their lives by it, try to explain away their actions by it. But what that label doesn't tell you is who that person is underneath. It is for that reason that I generally don't use my many labels in the first instance, when getting to know someone (unless it is via a particular specific-interest forum) - people can too easily gain a false impression of who I am before they've even begun to get to know me. In the same breath, when meeting someone else I try to not let their labels dictate my view of them, learning about who they are with and in spite of their labels. If governments want to stop people from abusing labels and using them as an excuse for their actions, then they should be doing the same.