I live with a darkness inside of me. I think most of us do, actually. But mine is quite alive. Sometimes it seeps out, fed by the brokenness, gobbling up every jagged morsel with an unquenchable hunger. Sometimes it just sits there, acknowledging me with a silent glare, reflecting my inner turmoil and pain back at me. Today has been a day when it has tried to do both.
I run on waves of energy bursts in order to get things done. I can intensely focus for short spurts, during which I am able to achieve much. But as soon as that light, that energy dies, it leaves me feeling empty once more. The emptiness is revealing, showing me all the things I’m missing, feeding into that ever-hungry darkness, eating me alive. I try to scream at the darkness, but it is unyielding. I try to reason with it, but it is unlistening and refuses to leave me alone. Eventually it wins the round and leaves me crying, shaking once more, open and bare, my pain again revealed.
There have been too many losses, too many changes again of late. I’ve tried desperately hard to hold onto beautiful things that have come my way. Yet they always slip through my grasp, as I always manage to chase them away with my greedy need. One thing that my life has taught me is that I can’t have good things. Good things are for good, straightforward, normal people, not for broken people like me. And as much as I am aware that there is not really such a thing as a “norm”, it often feels to me that I am so far away from the hypothetical “norm” line that I will always be driven into being an outsider everywhere.
So, here I am again, alone, no hope of being saved, no hope of being loved. The darkness is winning the fight again. I know that it is still up to me as to whether I let it win the war or not, but each individual battle takes its toll and there will come a day when I am so exhausted that I won’t want to fight anymore. Let’s just hope that it’s for the right reasons and not because the darkness takes me forever.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Friday, 17 April 2015
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Honesty
One thing I find that’s important in my journey is to be honest about things. This is not just about being honest to others about what’s going on, but, more importantly, being honest with myself. Being honest with yourself has to be the hardest thing.
We all have faults. Some days it feels like I am unable to escape from mine, no matter how hard I try. At times I feel like I fail at everything. Yet, if I were truly honest with myself at those times, I could tell myself the reason that these things were happening, what was really going on. The things we would otherwise want to avoid or not talk about.
Facing up to your own faults is never an easy thing. Even if we do believe that everything we touch turns sour and that we’ll never amount to anything, we still never admit to where our faults truly lie. The criticising eye we use to judge ourselves is just as judgemental of others, as if it will somehow make us feel better if we can see the faults in others rather than accepting and adapting to our own.
The truth is, I’m not bad at everything. I do many good things. I am bad at managing my own emotions, however, and letting them take me to places I shouldn’t. I admit that I am good at various things musically, but I know that I lack the patience to stick through the hard work and studying that it would require for me to ever be truly exceptional at it. I have been judgemental of others, even when I have refused to admit that I was being so, because the truth was that their faults reminded me of my own.
This blog, for me, has always been about honesty, about writing about the things I would otherwise avoid, or venting any crazy idea that comes into my mind that I’d otherwise shut away. There are many things that go through my mind and happen in my daily life that I don’t like to admit to. Even with being honest that depression does lead me to places I’d otherwise perhaps try to avoid, I still don’t want to be honest about everything that’s been going on. But, honestly, perhaps one day I will try.
We all have faults. Some days it feels like I am unable to escape from mine, no matter how hard I try. At times I feel like I fail at everything. Yet, if I were truly honest with myself at those times, I could tell myself the reason that these things were happening, what was really going on. The things we would otherwise want to avoid or not talk about.
Facing up to your own faults is never an easy thing. Even if we do believe that everything we touch turns sour and that we’ll never amount to anything, we still never admit to where our faults truly lie. The criticising eye we use to judge ourselves is just as judgemental of others, as if it will somehow make us feel better if we can see the faults in others rather than accepting and adapting to our own.
The truth is, I’m not bad at everything. I do many good things. I am bad at managing my own emotions, however, and letting them take me to places I shouldn’t. I admit that I am good at various things musically, but I know that I lack the patience to stick through the hard work and studying that it would require for me to ever be truly exceptional at it. I have been judgemental of others, even when I have refused to admit that I was being so, because the truth was that their faults reminded me of my own.
This blog, for me, has always been about honesty, about writing about the things I would otherwise avoid, or venting any crazy idea that comes into my mind that I’d otherwise shut away. There are many things that go through my mind and happen in my daily life that I don’t like to admit to. Even with being honest that depression does lead me to places I’d otherwise perhaps try to avoid, I still don’t want to be honest about everything that’s been going on. But, honestly, perhaps one day I will try.
Thursday, 29 August 2013
More Than Just Living
Sometimes I live for living’s sake. Sometimes I carry on without realising what’s truly important. But what is important? The daily grind, housekeeping, the things that have to be done? Or the things that we deep inside truly want to do or be? Of course, we all have responsibilities, but does that mean that we have to shut ourselves off from the things that make us truly feel alive?
Life is complicated. Life is painful. All those emotions that you just shut away because you lost touch with yourself somewhere along the way. The deep emotions, the reminders of who you truly are and what you must be.
True living is allowing yourself to feel all those emotions, positive and negative, and being able to say through that, ‘I know myself and accept who I am.’
But I don’t know myself, because I’ve tried too long to fit in and be something that others have told me I should be. My body has tried to tell me the truth, but I still shut it off, even now at my furthest point. I just didn’t want to be alone, but it made me feel more alone than ever.
It’s time to start listening to myself again.
Life is complicated. Life is painful. All those emotions that you just shut away because you lost touch with yourself somewhere along the way. The deep emotions, the reminders of who you truly are and what you must be.
True living is allowing yourself to feel all those emotions, positive and negative, and being able to say through that, ‘I know myself and accept who I am.’
But I don’t know myself, because I’ve tried too long to fit in and be something that others have told me I should be. My body has tried to tell me the truth, but I still shut it off, even now at my furthest point. I just didn’t want to be alone, but it made me feel more alone than ever.
It’s time to start listening to myself again.
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
Life goes on...
Life goes on. Life just goes on. Every time you fall down, you just have to stand up again and move on. The more I let things hold me down, the worse it feels. But I also need to feel.
Sometimes I automatically shut my emotions away lest they get too overwhelming. The trouble is I don't know what I've been doing until something sharper hits me and opens it all up again.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to cry, to feel things, but I bottle it up automatically and try to keep going. It's good to let it all out properly, as we need to feel the bad emotions as well, even when we don't want to. Embrace them as much as the good, because they're not going to go away and need to be felt.
If I do it too much I can make myself feel worse. But that's also because I still sometimes feel guilty for feeling sad and concentrating on my own sadness rather than being sympathetic to someone else's. But I also feel guilty for not feeling sad enough.
The pain, that boiling burning oil in the pit of my stomach. I'd do anything not to have to feel that.
Written 14/06/2013.
Sometimes I automatically shut my emotions away lest they get too overwhelming. The trouble is I don't know what I've been doing until something sharper hits me and opens it all up again.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to cry, to feel things, but I bottle it up automatically and try to keep going. It's good to let it all out properly, as we need to feel the bad emotions as well, even when we don't want to. Embrace them as much as the good, because they're not going to go away and need to be felt.
If I do it too much I can make myself feel worse. But that's also because I still sometimes feel guilty for feeling sad and concentrating on my own sadness rather than being sympathetic to someone else's. But I also feel guilty for not feeling sad enough.
The pain, that boiling burning oil in the pit of my stomach. I'd do anything not to have to feel that.
Written 14/06/2013.
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