Thursday, 15 September 2011

Back in Business!

It's been really weird coming back into things. I don't know if I'm quite coping yet. Going back to class last week was fine - it was great that the holidays were over, that I was able to start back at my 6-day-a-week schedule! But, then...! This week, especially today, I've been feeling so damned low... If it wasn't for going to class and having a good time this morning, I don't know where I would be!

I think part of my problem is that I enjoy my lessons too much, all of them! I've always loved learning, but one thing about coming back into learning now, a year ago, is that I'm now doing the things I want to do, rather than what I had to do. It's a big difference. Having left school at 16, done 1 year of college until 17, then given it up because I simply couldn't cope with studying whilst trying to live at home in the circus that was our house then; it was quite something to be at a position where I actually needed to go back to studying again, having moved country and needing to learn a new language.

Oh dear, I remember the first day still, how terrible that was with my nerves, 3 years ago now! I had absolutely no idea what to expect and didn't think I'd be able to do it! Yet, now these years on, I'm at a completely different place and loving it!

It's not like I didn't mean to eventually go back to studying at some point. Firstly, when I was 21, I tried to return to a local college to study maths (pure & applied) plus physics, as I wanted to go into engineering (motorcycle engineering specifically, probably more on the design side of things but I've never actually been afraid of doing a bit of mucking in, having loved fiddling with objects to work out how they worked - in fact, throughout many jobs I was the one who always fixed things like the printer or the photocopier!!). Well I wasn't able to find my certificates, plus I couldn't really afford it anyway, so that idea dropped through... Then, after getting back into music when I was 24, I decided I was going to do a music degree through the Open University. After my funding application fell through (there was no way I could afford £500+ a year for 3-5 years), I gave up on that idea, too. Gave up completely on the idea of studying again. I just carried on working in administration, playing and dancing with the morris side I'd joined (then later on playing even more with a different side).

But then... What changed? Well, coming to Belgium certainly changed things for me in so many ways. The biggest part that changed for me, after all the hell with my work last year, leading to me being depressed again, was being at that point of realising that I had no connection with this country. Well, not really none at all, but very little to hold me here... So, I had to do something, to give myself connections, as I couldn't afford to move back to England! So, what was I to do? Go back to the idea of the engineering or the music? Well, I chose the music, of course! :)

So after restarting my Dutch lessons last year and joining the music academy... Reaching December and thinking I was a complete failure and was going to fail everything... I had the most enormous shock in January, not only realising how bloody good I am at things even when I barely study (seriously, I study an absolute minimum, which is fine because I practice in real time - probably couldn't get away with it, even with my memory, if I was studying anything else!), but also realising the connections I'd started to make... What? People actually like me? That's... That's... That's impossible!! Yet, it was evident yet again with the scary amount of people that showed up for my birthday party (far more than I'd expected). Then I went onto impressive streaks throughout my courses in April, then end of year in June... I'm still in shock that I'm that capable (and mumbling to myself regularly, "don't let it go to your head! Mustn't let it go to my head!!").

But, anyway... After the most ridiculously quiet holiday, which led to me being so depressed that I did such crazy things as sitting outside naked in the garden on the stormiest day of the year (on the night where the storm managed to wipe out Pukkelpop and all my connections with the world after my Telenet was knocked out), erm... Well, there's been some fantastically good points during the holiday, brilliant chats on a cycle trip ("fietstocht" - they don't really do those in England!), then even more at times bizarre yet brilliantly interesting chats when we had some friends over, and a couple of bowling sessions (which weren't easy, as my hand still hurts now and then after I broke it last winter), I... The quiet points in it, unfortunately, got to me too much... I haven't cried so much in so long. So, with all that, I'm loving being back in both schools, studying away, with some intriguing projects coming up.

Yet, today... What is it with me today? I've had the most horrible feeling in my gut all day! I don't think it showed, luckily. Oh dear... I think I look terrible most days, so would it make much difference? There's me, not giving a shit on one hand yet caring down to every detail on the other! Every day when I get up I think how terrible I look, then just go out, anyway. But today has been different... The storm in my gut has been driving me nuts and still hasn't let up! So, I think it's that I'm not quite coping yet... Or at least I hope so!

Well, gently does it. Going from nothing to 5 then 6 1/2-days a week is no mean feat! Still. We shall see. The greatest part is that being back around people is inspiring, especially with some of the amazingly colourful people I know. I see some projects of my own coming up, too!

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